10/12/14
I share this here because a few weeks ago, when I was feeling low, a friend said to me that he's sure I "learned something from that relationship." He was referencing my 5.5 year relationship with a man who ultimately because my fiancé and then subsequently left me just a few months later in a bit and painful way. At the time my response to my friend was, "Yeah. Never trust a negro from New Hampshire." lol. #I'mSilly Well just this morning I FINALLY figured out the real lesson. Here it goes...
"On being too much (what i didn't share yesterday)
Knowing that our every experience informs who we are from that point forward... While believing deeply that when conscious we are bestowed the gift of choice to be stuck and miserable or to move forward in faith and love toward a brighter light... I want to share a bit more with you about "too much."
It's no secret to my best friends that for 5.5 years I was not myself. Why exactly?! I do not know. But I spent those years voluntarily toning it down and trying to not be "too much" so as not to scare [name redacted] away!? ...so as not to trigger his depression!? ...so he wouldn't leave me!? I became someone I wasn't before. I became someone I plan to never be again.
And when [name redacted] broke up with me and said "it's too much." I heard, "you're too much." And I internalized "you're too much."
And in my depression that was my # 1 rumination: thinking about all of the ways that I was too much. ...and that it was those things that pushed him to do what he did. …and that pushed him to propose and then essentially cheat and leave me only a few months later. I know that's BS. I know that now. But depression did not allow me to know that then.
So when I had thoughts (not plans but thoughts - apparently there's a difference) to no longer be here - as in on earth, it was less because [name redacted] was gone and almost all because I felt deeply and painfully that I was "too much."
And when I got better I promised my soul that I would NEVER not live my life out loud again. Never. Not for anyone. That, as Martine says, it's a gift to the world when my walk is authentic.
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Happy Saturday."
So the funny thing is that I tried to change my behavior to make myself not "too much," and he left me anyway. Another funny thing is that, had he known the real me, he would have DEFINITELY felt me to be "too much." But what I know now is that is not because I'm "too much," but rather because he's "too little." Wherever he is, whatever he is doing, I wish him the very very very best and even send love & light his way. But puh-lease do not EVER try to come back. And last but not least know that I now know in the depths of my soul that, while I am to grow and compromise as an integral part to love, that I should trust that I am "just enough" and that I am to never not be me ever again.